Right now I'm sitting in a restaurant called Taverna in Austin. I am exhausted and want to go home but it's the Fourth of July and I want to do something fun. But I feel hollow. Today is also my only day off for the week so I wanted to try and use it to do all the things that I put on the back burner, but honestly all I feel like doing is being with friends. For the first time in awhile, I'm not okay being alone. When I come to Austin by myself, I will bring something to write or read. This time I'm just not in the mood to do anything. Austin is dead today and there won't be any fireworks because they are in a Stage-4 drought. I would go back to San Antonio to be with friends, but I don't want to go back yet. Why do I find it so hard to be motivated when all I want to do is sleep? I wish there was a way of overcoming it, which there probably is but I haven't discovered it yet (I finally gave into caffeine but it doesn't seem to have an effect on me).
I came to Austin slightly broken after yet another ultimatum, but I haven't had the chance to cry everything out, so it all remains bottled up inside. I'm still glad I came up. When I got to the hotel, I saw my friend from Intro to Management who was working that evening. We talked for a very long time and he showed me around the back area of his hotel and gave me a lot of ideas on things I can do differently as a manager. In the middle of our conversation, another manager came over and started talking to us... another person giving me some great feedback. I felt as though I should do an expense report for this trip since it all seemed to be business related! Alas, around 10:00, I finally got back to my room. I called my brother up and talked to him for about 45 minutes, a conversation of which reiterated how undesirable my life is right now. At that point I decided I did not want to spend the entire night in my hotel room, so I ended up hanging out with some kids that I had never met before. They were friends with the second manager that I just met to night, although he did not join us. It was an interesting experience but I'm still glad I went out and did something. I hung out with a very different crown, which was fun because I just got to observe people. A lot of the people we hung around all knew each other from high school, even though a lot of them graduated in 2004. I always find it interesting to see when groups of friends still hang out with each other years and years after high school--they all live in the same area that they grew up in and I wonder what motivates them to stay in one spot. I couldn't wait to leave Utah and the place that I grew up in because I have this desire to explore the world and grow outside of my element, yet so many people seem to fulfill many of the same desires by staying in their same spot. It's just interesting.
I woke up this morning to a phone call. I was confused because I did not order a wake up call, but when I answered, it was Felicia. She called to update me on her life and I was able to update her a little on mine. We're both in the same situation right now and it really sucks. Honestly, there's no good cure for overriding depressive emotions. Something that did boost my day for a short period of time was meeting up with my friend, TJ, for lunch. I haven't seen TJ in just under 4 years. We lived at Raintree together and he was out in San Antonio yesterday and stopped by Austin on his way back to Dallas. Our conversation felt really strange. While it was good conversation, it made me feel lost again. I've been living a different life out in Texas and one which I don't really like because I don't know what I believe or what I want to do. All i know is i want to get out of my current situation but once that happens, I honestly don't know where I will begin. He told me about a friend of his who went in a circle regarding her lifestyle and beliefs. I felt like I ought to relate but I'm not sure I even want to. This is where I just feel hollow again. He quoted Neal A. Maxwell to me a couple times but the one I remember most is something to the effect that in order to know who you are now, you must know your past and know your potential for the future. Another quote I saw on a bumper sticker today was "If you don't change direction, you may end up where you're heading."
I need to wrap up because it's time for me to ride my bike around Austin. This limbo stage that I've been stuck in for the past year has gone on way too long. I've always known what I need to do and I have tried many different approaches to get there, but i seem to still stay stuck. So many people have been saying the phrase "leap of faith" lately as if it's supposed to mean something to me, but it doesn't. I feel lost. I feel incomplete. I feel hollow. Time will keep going on.
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