a beautiful sunday

today has been a rather good day. actually, it's been a pretty good week. after getting back from utah, i feel like i suddenly had this peace that things were getting better. some of my forementioned desires had disappeared due to the replacement of other amiable desires. i felt as though i had slight more control over my happiness, though i still do not know what i am doing. i am still confused about what i want as far as the future with school and career, but those things that seem to govern my well-being began to be taking a turn; namely that of faith and love.

it's amazing how much those two things can bring us such joy yet so much agony. love is inevitable to bring to pass those reactions, but faith is something that i had never considered until i lost it then began to search for it again. faith really is an assurance that you know that what you are doing is good--when you know who you are and what you believe in. what you truly believe is what you do and what you do is who you are...they go hand in hand. i never doubted that i was a daughter of god. i never doubted that i am smart. i never doubted that i can do whatever i want as long as i persevere. what i did doubt is my desires. it's been a long, hard journey to figure out what i want in life, what things make me solemnly happy. i am no where near to knowing what those are yet, but im on a track that's bringing back positive results and new ideas and therefore i know that what im doing is good--my intentions are correct. i am not cured of heartache, but i a. moving on...embracing the excitement of new adventures but still remaining hesitant and careful. there are many things i want to be and having the idea to be those things is the first step toward accomplishing them.

im speaking very vaguely right now so let me provide some examples. this past friday, i worked a very long shift but i spent my whole day either learning or teaching/training. while i feel like i got nothing done, i feel like i was so accomplished. i felt that within this day, i was learning characteristics that are not only beneficial to my so-called management careers, but also taught me things that will aid me to be a better person in life, especially when it comes to raising a family. some things you really just have to experience and learn for yourself in order to "feel" in, and in consequence, help and relate to others. words out of another's mouth only go so far when they touch the ear, it's on a different level when it touches the heart. it's a sense that no one can deny. people forget what enters only into their mind, but there is no way to forget that which sneaks its way into the heart. .......so much for not being vague.

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I know I haven't blogged in a while. At some point or another, I will do a recap of my Florida trip and the things I discovered there. Since I've been back from Florida, work has been getting better and I've been hanging out with a lot of friends, but there's that one particular aspect that is keeping me from being happy even though I'm doing fun things. I decided today that the only way I will be happy is to be away from San Antonio. Period. That thing is still in San Antonio and as long as I'm here with it, I will continue to be miserable. I've very much considered going to China for this reason, but it's not working out.

Anyway.. I could go into further detail but there are better things to talk about. I am currently in Fort Worth on what you could call a business trip. I'm here for "Intro to Management." I want to write a daily log for this trip so here goes....

I flew in today and had my first delayed flight. Haha... luckily I was in no rush. I'm staying at the Omni Fort Worth Hotel and it really is a beautiful property. When I arrived I had a fun amenity waiting for me:This was nice. I laid out and took a nap at the pool. It was really cloudy and windy so I didn't get much of a tan from it. This evening we had a cocktail reception which was a lot of fun because I got to meet all the other attendees. Basically, each property in the company picks one manager to attend this intro to management. We start classes tomorrow and I'm quite excited.

It's been fun to talk with people from the other properties because I like seeing how they run things or do things. It gives me perspective and ideas. I feel like I'm learning a lot already.

Coming back after the reception, this was my turndown amenity:


Haha... I'm getting spoiled. Not a bad way to start off the week.

Tonight a bunch of us went out on the town and hung out. Again, just a lot of fun. I love being away on business... and I'm learning about what other people do at their properties. Anyway... I start at 7:30 tomorrow morning and I'm planning on working out before then, so I REALLY need to go to bed.

Changes to plans=Plans to change

I feel like the past week and a half has been full of things I want to do or plan to do getting ruined by the stupid curve balls of life. I feel like venting.

Plan: Spend Thursday and Friday (7/29-7/30) nights doing fun stuff with the fun people I want to do them with-my 'already friends' friends.
Destroyed: I had a conversation with one of those friends that ultimately ruined my week and made me reconsider life (this conversation came to a conclusion that I could no longer see this friend--part of my woes from the prior week).

Plan: Go to Corpus instead on my two days off so I can work out my thoughts and frustrations from all the things in my life and ultimately try and "find myself"
Undecisiveness: When making the schedule for work, I really, really wanted to take off Saturday and Sunday in addition to Thursday and Friday so I could take a more distant trip to New Orleans or someplace cool.
Destroyed: I couldn't make the New Orleans thing work that weekend because I didn't have any extra coverage or people to work my shift if I were gone.
Plan: Decided to give myself off Monday and Tuesday and take a short trip to Corpus then and have Thursday and Friday to get stuff done and hang out with people.

Plan: Have my couches delivered to me Tuesday morning before I went to work. Was told they would deliver while I was at work so I had a couple options for people to have access to my house key and let them in when they came.
Worked out for better: My two friends had other obligations and couldn't wait any longer but the delivery guys ended up not bringing my couches until 11:30 at night, after I was home from work.

Plan: Enjoy the rain on Wednesday and get lots of errands done before work.
Destroyed: Hydro-planed into the back of another car as the light turned green-yellow-red.
Luckily: My insurance covered his damage but not mine.

Plans:
Thursday-drive to Austin and make returns to Ikea then come back and play volleyball with friends.
Friday-find people to go to Six Flags with and spend all day there if possible. Also, go to lunch at 1:30 with some friends. (As you will see, plans later changed to picking up my table and wanting to do something really fun at night like salsa dancing or visiting the riverwalk).
Saturday-go to Austin with some friends and make my returns to Ikea. Pick up my table on the way back.
Sunday-Possible had to wait to pick up my table this day. Potentially invite people over for dinner to eat on my new table. If not, then go straight to corpus after work.
Monday-Wednesday morning-spend time in Corpus to make new goals and straighten out my life.

Reality:
Thursday-start to drive to Austin but there's too much traffic. Played volleyball with friends, worked out, and stayed up til 2 am swinging and talking with a friend.
Friday-woke up to a voicemail saying I needed to come into work. I was irate. Everything about work was making me pissed. Found out I was now scheduled to work monday which meant only one day off. So mad. Finally got off work around 4. Ruined my thoughts of playing at six flags. Instead decided to find a friend to pick up my table. We got there and the box for the table was thrashed. Because of the inconvenience, I will get free delivery next week. No more Sunday dinner though. On the way back from my table, there was traffic, making me anxious. Met up with friends later and ate dinner at Thai Corner. Had a good time, but the night ended too soon. 10:30 came around and everyone left their separate ways. I went home depressed and crying on the phone to another friend from Utah because I so badly wanted to still be out doing something fun.
Saturday-Drove up to Austin after work, stopped by Ikea for returns, ate black bean queso at a pub on 6th street by myself while reading a book. Went to the Capitol and sat on the grass and thought about how happy I was at that moment and how great Austin is. Maybe I should live there? I thought as people were playing frisbee behind me. I also sent a long, detailed text to my manager at work telling him I really need Monday off and why I need it. He replied by saying "we'll talk about it tomorrow." I then head to meet my friends when my car gets stuck on a hill and dies, then works again, then won't go past 2000 rpms. Long story short, I leave my car in Austin and my friends drive me back to San Antonio.
Sunday-get picked up for work by the shuttle. Get picked up after work by a friend. another friend had an extra car I could borrow, but it was manual and I can't drive stick. Then I go to my ex-friend's to borrow his car instead. Awkward. Drive his car to Austin so I could move my car out of metered parking. My car worked fine, but I was by myself. Rode my bike around Austin for a bit, then came back to San Antonio.
Monday-was supposed to get off work at 12 but didn't leave until 12:45. Couldn't decide for a very long time whether or not I should still go to Austin or take my friend's car to Corpus. I'd be by myself so I wouldn't have a second driver if my car worked. Decided to be responsible and go to Austin to get my car fixed. When I got there and picked up my car, it worked fine. Engine light was still on, but it was moving regularly. Took it to place one. Their master diagnostic guy was not in. Went to take my car somewhere else and the 'check engine' light was off and everything was great. Now I was stuck in Austin with two working cars and only one driver. Argued with the owner of the borrowed car I was using and couldn't decide if I should stay in Austin or go back to San Antonio. I still needed to get away. Long story short: My car had computer issues and cost me $100 for someone to tell me that it was at least safe (safe as in no further damage would be made) if I drove it back to San Antonio. Decided to stay the night in Austin to spend time with myself. alone. Rode my bike around, watched the bats, wrote, thought, then went to a bar for dessert. There, I met two really cool guys at Parkside on 6th street and had a good time talking and making new friends and discussing this crazy thing called life. Felt confident and good.
Tuesday-spent more time by myself. Rode more of my bike. Got burnt. Checked out UT Austin's business school and felt happy there. Drove back to San Antonio in ex-friend's car, beat traffic, and returned the vehicle. Waited for other friends to pick me up and go back to Austin to get my car. I drove my car back by myself. I left Austin around 9:50. Made it to San Marcos by 10:20 (usually a 20 minute drive but I was only going 70 mph on purpose). From San Marcos to Schertz, it took me an hour and 10 minutes, usually only 20 minutes. During this time, my car kept doing what it did before. I got stuck in New Braunfels for a while. After Schertz, my car was fine for the rest of the way home.

Plan: Wednesday-laser hair removal appointment at 9:45.
Destroyed: Left at 9:30 and my car made it about 1/4 mile before dying. Then reviving. Then dying. Then working until I made it to the south side to have a friend do some more diagnostics. Decided car was unreliable and borrowed ex-friend's car again which was given with resentment.

Plan: Go to New Orleans from the 12th-17th and use PTO. One friend mentioned helping me pay to get out there and we would spend a few days in Florida too.
On the verge of being destroyed: Texted this friend I would visit and he said he'd be working the whole time I'd be visiting. No Florida. I thought I could drive there but that's not going to happen now because of my car's condition. Flight prices went up because I waited too long. Gave myself other options but nothing seems to work out. Money, friends, and resources aren't working out so well. I finally got the time off work but don't want to stay in San Antonio to spend it.

Plan: Get a new table
Destroyed: Thoughts of moving and my financial situation (which has become worse since the work on my car will cost a lot) will cause me to decide that having another monthly payment will not be a good idea right now. No table for a while. No friends over for dinner.

Plan: After Austin I decided that's where I would like to go in a year for graduate school. Stay in San Antonio. Work hard at work. Create a schedule and learn how to be alone again.
Confused: Woke up this morning frustrated. Realize how hard it is to detach myself from friend. Wish I could be far away from here (my situation, not necessarily the place). Dreaded going to work. Morning schedule did not work due to car issues. Stressed about money. Realize that life really sucks right now.

I know I sound extremely antagonistic, but it's reality. I know what's going on in my life isn't the absolute worst that could happen. I just feel like one thing keeps happening right after another. I get excited about something only to have it blow up in my face. I try and adjust, but it happens again. Some days I feel fine, or at least content. Others I'm ultimately depressed. These two conditions can change hourly too.

Everything I just mentioned are the things that have happened to me. On top of that, I have my emotional ruckus which I've touched on a little bit. It's hard to focus on telling yourself that happiness is an attitude when all the things around you are making you sad. I plan on making changes, but it seems every time I do, it gets ruined, or something new happens that I have to settle for what I don't want or can't have. Maybe I'm just not making the right changes. Maybe I'm not making extreme enough changes. I'm scared of getting myself into a hole (especially financially) so I remain being unhappy because it's stable, even though I'm not.

I don't think I'm making my point very clear tonight. But I need to go to bed now. A domani. Peut-etre.

The end will justify the pain it took to get us there

I don't know where to draw the line in expressing my true feelings about situations over a blog. I feel if I were to do so, it would seem as though I am depressed, and it would be depressing to read my blog. Part of me wants to vent and cry in my blog because I need to get it out of my system, but the other part of me realizes that I ought to conceal these emotions when writing publicly. I mean, it's not like a lot of people are going to read this or anything, though I would feel as if I'm hiding from reality if all I post in my blog are good things. This is not reality. For the most part, my life is far from good right now. Is it better to try and focus on the good things and make it seem as if my life is really that way (to the people that don't talk to me on a regular basis and only read my blog), or is it better to share the veracity of my life and make it seem like I'm being pessimistic. I'm certainly not overly optimistic, nor am I anywhere near pessimistic. I'm just having a hard time right now and have cried numerous times due to certain circumstances. I won't write for pity but I want others to understand my reality. At the same time, ought I to save these emotions for someone who cares to listen. What if I don't have anyone to vent to? Then I write. I could vent about the facts of reality and how life sucks, but the important thing is how I feel. If I don't express my feelings one way or another, they'll be locked inside and end up exploding like they did two days ago (I won't go into detail right now). I'm complicated. As time goes on, I may or may not play with the written description of my sentiments.

Daily Log:

I was irate all morning this morning. The morning started off with me not waking up until 10 and still feeling tired. I was upset because there were things I needed to get done today but only had 3.5 hours to complete, not including 'getting ready' time. I wanted to go to the gym but i didn't. Instead I left around 10:30 and drove all the way to downtown because of some errands that led me there. I tried to find an Einstein Bagel's downtown and got really upset because I never could find one, again wasting my time. From there I drove to New Braunfels on I-35 and got caught behind some EXTREMELY slow drivers. I was bound to find furniture today and these people were putting me behind my time schedule. I was tired and frustrated by time I made it to the first Ashley store--so much so that I was no longer in the mood to look. I made it all the way to New Braunfels and decided to no longer debate what I wanted and just make a decision. I bought couches. I then sped back to SA, ran home to change, then went to another Ashley store and wasn't in the mood to look at options anymore and just made a decision. It was a semi-expensive decision but they were offering 15% off today only. The good thing is that I have 14 days to return the product if I don't like it for a full-refund.

Work sucked. I realized that EVERY single day since Saturday someone has called off on their shifts. People who don't work at my job don't understand the gravity of this situation. We're short-staffed as it is, then people have the audacity to think they're above the schedule we make and call off. Now I can't say this is what happened for every call-off because there were emergencies. Still though, I have no manager support because my other two managers are both out of town leaving me to be the only one in charge. I wouldn't mind this if people showed up to work, or if I didn't have to work a 1pm-12am schedule every day. Luckily I did get out of work a little early tonight.

I went to the movie theater by myself tonight. It was my first time. I always made judgments on people who would go to the movie theater or to a restaurant by themselves. I didn't feel dumb going by myself. In fact, I felt confident going by myself because I wanted to see Inception and I wasn't going to wait until I had time or friends to see it with me. I will refuse to ever see a movie by myself on Valentine's Day though. In reality, it doesn't matter whether or not you have people with you at a movie theater because it's not like you talk to anyone anyway. Movie watching is not as much a social event as it is entertainment. Who says you need to be entertained with other people?

Inception brought to mind a couple of things:

1. Career path
2. Coming to terms with reality
3. Subconscious thinking
4. The structure of dreams
5. I think the whole point of the movie was the 'idea.' I think that the entire movie was just an idea but none of it was reality.

...Shoot... I had a lot more things running through my head on my way home from the movie but I can't remember them. And I'm really tired and don't want to write anymore. So I'll save my thoughts on the movie for another day because they all strongly need further details.

Goodnight

Crickets...and other insects

As I was putting my blazer on a hanger today, I was startled by my friend, Cricket. He sat patiently on my floor as I grabbed a tissue and escorted him to my toilet--I felt he would serve a much better purpose there. So now, Cricket is probably wandering somewhere deep within the San Antonio Water System pipes. It's too bad, I'll miss the times we spent together. Though, I'm sure I'll be seeing his family soon--somewhere amidst the hundreds of thousand crickets that have been roaming San Antonio lately. It is quite incredible how many of them there are. I don't remember there being this many here last year. In fact, I don't remember seeing them at all last year. Once the sun starts to set, they all appear. At work it's pretty bad. I've seen crickets on the 20th floor of the hotel. They must just hop onto the elevator or something.

I just saw another cricket walking around in my room. I have no idea how they get in here. They're sneaky creatures, that's for sure. And they're quite harmless but I send them away nonetheless--I don't like the thought of having little bugs wandering around my new apartment. I think they sit outside my door at night and wait for me to not pay attention when I walk in or out, then they sneak in. How inconsiderate!

Then, while I was at work today, I found a butterfly. It was dead, but it was beautiful. So what do I do? I keep it. It's sitting on my counter right now. I don't really know what to do with it. I feel like I ought to frame it or something...don't really know how to go about doing that.

Today, I met a man from Napoli, or Firenze, Italy. It was fun talking to him. A while back, I started to learn Italian, only a couple phrases, but I couldn't remember anything. He told me I was "bellissimo!" (sp?) and told me I must marry an Italian man because he will be "full of love" and "work very hard" (he said this all with his Italian accent). Well shoot, looks like I need to go to Italy to find myself the man of my dreams. It might have to wait a year or two though.

For now, this will do...

Today I became very frustrated at the things that were going on in my life...and mostly the fact that there are things I used to do and love but no longer do because I cannot find the time or the desire when I do have time. One of these things was keeping a journal. Since I've lived in Texas, I have gone off and on with keeping a journal. It frustrates me that I can't look back at the past couple months and remember the things I did or the emotions I felt. It seems as though I've been mentally distracted over the past few months and I have not allowed my mind to explore or delve deeper than the surface of the events that are happening to me.

I'm not yet sure on what I want to achieve from this blog. My original idea for a blog, that I never started, was to write down my dreams as I remember them. I think a photo blog would be pretty cool...if only I remembered to take pictures and consistently put my pictures on my computer (my pictures usually don't make it to Facebook until at least 6 months after the first picture in the bunch was taken). A daily log of the significant things in my day seems to be what my journal is used for and this might be boring for some people to read...unless I make it interesting. I could always expand on the little thoughts that come to my mind (which seems quite common of a lot of blogs) or I can work through some of the big things that are on my mind. I've seen cooking/recipe blogs, fitness blogs, couple blogs, and many more. I am not sure but eventually I would like a theme to my entries, but for now, this will do and I will write whatever I want to write about.

In reading a very select number of blogs in my life, I find there is a certain rhetoric to blog-writing. I can't quite describe what it is, but I find myself falling into it as I'm writing now. Maybe it's the I-know-someone-is-reading-this-but-I'll-never-know-who writing style--you don't release too much emotion but just enough to give the reader a taste of your personality.

Daily Log:

Today was my second of two days off this week...but not really because I got called into work anyway. Since I started my new position (Assistant Front Office Manager), I have yet to work less than 6 days in a work week and less than 55 hours in a week. I was hoping this week would be different, but it wasn't. Luckily I only had to work 4 hours today vs. my normal 10-hour day. Yay for salary. Bleh.

Speaking of work, I did get some good news. I have been invited to attend an Introduction to Management course in Fort Worth for a week at the end of August. I'm not sure how big of a deal this is. I know I basically get to meet every single person from the Corporate Office but I don't really know what it's about--introducing me to management I suppose? This will be my first trip that my job is sending me on. It's only too bad the corporate office wasn't in New York or Florida.

Outside of work I spent my entire day running errands as usual. I'm in the process of buying furniture. My dining room and living room feel quite lonely right now. I also looked for a new phone. I am terrible at making decisions because I spend much too long trying to decide what's best for me. I'll even go to the extent of writing out a pro/con-list, only to find that they are completely even in their pros and cons. Eventually I have to make a decision. I have not reached this point yet on a phone, couch, or dining table. Tomorrow I am taking the morning off to not think about any of these "difficult" decisions (all of these decisions require me to commit to giving my money monthly to someone for the next year or two, which is why finalizing something is so hard). Meh.

Well, I think that is all for today. This isn't nearly the extent of information I would include in my journal, so I might end up doing both. Also, if there is a way to comment on blogs, feel free to do so. There are some things I'll write about that I would love feedback on, especially when I'm trying to work through frustrations or deep thoughts. Ok now, goodnight. Buona Notte. Bonne Nuit. Buenos Noches.