New Blog!

For anyone who actually reads this blog, I've started a new one with a much-less depressing theme. Feel free to read my posts at: http://candisbrietwo.blogspot.com/

Enjoy!

Figuring myself out

It's amazing how when you grow older, you begin to understand so much more about yourself. Over the past month or so, I've been able to identify why I do things and I analyze my feelings that their origin. Unfortunately, I still have a long way to go in order to understand what I believe in and why.

One thing I have always believed in is that happiness is made up of two parts: Circumstance and Attitude. When things aren't going the way I want them to, I find myself being completely engulfed in the unhappiness and I can't find relief until my circumstance changes. I finally got a job out here in Colorado but now I'm having struggles finding a place to live. Denver is significantly more expensive than San Antonio, so I can no longer afford living in a one-bedroom apartment on my own. I need a roommate. I had a couple options for roommates but they have both fallen through. I am stressed and not happy with my current situation. I find myself being anxious, jealous, annoyed, angry, and depressed. I know what I want but I can't find a way to get there (story of my life). Ideally, I ought to relax and enjoy what I do have going on. But, I. Don't. Wan't. To! Why? I think I like being sad. My favorite music is the kind that would make me cry if I were in the right mood. I like to cry when I'm sad and it's relieving to do so.

Oddly enough, I tend to do the things I'm most passionate about when I'm sad. I write music when I'm sad. I play piano and sing out loud when I'm sad. I drive when I'm sad. I lose weight when I'm sad. I want to be with the people I most care about when I'm sad. I also spend a lot of time alone when I'm sad.  I think when I'm sad. I write my feelings when I'm sad. I reconnect with old friends when I'm sad. I travel when I'm sad. I desire to take more risks and be spontaneous when I'm sad. It seems that there's some positive feedback going on--I'm passionate when I'm sad, so I end up keeping myself sad. Instead of making myself happy in the moment, I rely on that change that needs to happen in order to make myself happy. Ultimately, I want to be happy. But I'm happiest when I know what I want and I'm able to get what I want. Until I reach that, I take advantage of sadness(Tchaikovsky actually wrote his best music while he was depressed).

FiNaLLY!--The Start of a New Life

Alright, so my blog was never meant to keep an accurate journal of my life; I only tend to write when I think about my blog, which was today!

A little while ago I made the decision to move to Denver. After much reflection and consideration, Denver made much more sense than the other places I had been considering moving to. But, I didn't realize how great of a decision it was until this past Monday night when I recognized that Denver was 100% a new journey and San Antonio was 100% in my past.

After deciding to move to Denver, I quit my job and worked a lot! On my last day at work, I flew out to Denver to scope out jobs and housing, etc. Well, I wasn't nearly as productive as I had hoped because I spent so much time catching up on sleep, in which I had apparently, previously been deprived. I finished out my time in Denver and flew out to Utah for Kenya's wedding, then flew back to San Antonio for being gone for about 12 days. I returned on 14.Nov and worked on packing up my apartment. By Thursday, I had my Rental Truck and Movers all ready to go (by the way, I don't think I'll ever move without movers again! it was an excellent luxury). They hauled everything into the moving truck and I was gone by early Friday morning. I stayed in Denver until the day after Thanksgiving. This trip went pretty well but I was I didn't have a vehicle so I didn't feel as productive. I did have all my things that I put into storage, so that was nice. I also experienced some really nice-weather days and rode my bike around. Because I wasn't quite official, I still felt weird about being in Denver, but I dreaded going back to San Antonio. I left my car out in San Antonio and had a few things to finalize, which is the reason why I went back at all. My mom had been talking about coming out during this period with me so I could show her around San Antonio. She talked about it a lot but she usually doesn't follow through, and she didn't. So I got in to San Antonio this last Friday and didn't have much to do until Monday. Up until this point, I kept questioning whether or not going to Denver would really be what I wanted. I absolutely knew I didn't want to be in San Antonio, and this was reassured during my time there when I would drive around the city and become nostalgic and cry. At the same time, I couldn't necessarily fathom happiness in Denver, and this depressed me. On Sunday I did nothing but cry and write in my journal. I reflected on all my experiences in San Antonio, which included the good and bad. I hadn't cried that much in a day in a long time and it was something I really needed to do. On Monday I had  a lot of things to do, so I stayed busy, but there was something nagging at me all day. There was one person that I wanted to see before I left but I didn't know if it would be possible because it had been awhile since the last time I saw them. The night started rolling in and I knew that I would absolutely regret not attempting to see aforementioned friend, so I initiated its happening. I met up with friend and it was wonderful. I felt so happy and as I told friend about my move and my reasons for moving, it made me feel so much better about my decision. When I went home that night, I bawled like a baby, but not because I was sad, but because I felt so good. It was like when you watch a movie that has a really touching ending and you start crying. I don't even know how to describe the feelings I felt because I wasn't happy per se, but I just felt content and good and like I was finally ready to move on, as if I had tied up all the loose ends that had been dragging me down for so long. I have a new hope that I didn't know existed before and I feel like I no longer have baggage. I feel free! That night I felt like I just read the end of a really good, but intense, book and I am ready to start reading another.

Tuesday I spent 14 long hours driving from San Antonio to Denver. While I was driving, it occurred to me that possibly the best thing about moving to Denver is the fact that I have no former memories here that I've spent with anyone else. One of the things that made living in San Antonio so hard after Daniel and I broke up, was the fact that all of my first memories of the place were made with him. Some of his friends became my friends and I could never escape the fact that I was too close to the problem. Even the last few days I spent in San Antonio were difficult in trying to suppress those memories. There were so many familiar places that directed me right back to a point in time in the past. Even driving on I-10 on  my way out of San Antonio reminded me of driving back to Utah with Daniel for Christmas 2009 when I slept in the passenger's seat while D drove and watched movies. I don't have to worry about this in Denver. There's no nostalgia here, just a new memory to make every day. And Day 1 was definitely a good one:


Yesterday I slept in and felt really good when I woke up. I had a lot of energy and a lot of things to do! It was absolutely gorgeous weather. I went downtown for an interview with a hiring company. Their office was located in the Chase Building and as I walked to it, I felt completely in place. People were outside eating lunch, taking smoke breaks, or just chatting with friends. Most of them were in business suits and so was I. The interview went really well and now is just a matter of waiting for positions to open up. As I was driving around downtown, I suddenly really loved it. It's almost as if my previous weeks in Denver were not real and I was merely a tourist seeing nothing impressive with Colorado, but yesterday completely changed my perspective. As I was driving back home, I looked out from the freeway and spotted the beauty that I had previously thought was ugly. This is my home now and I'm prepared to enjoy it to its fullest! I'm so excited for the things I can do now that I'm not bogged down by a miserable job. I have a lot of goals and so many things to learn about the world; I'm ready to get moving again!


All my clocks are officially changed to the new time zone! I best be getting on with my day. It snowed today--I have been able to avoid the snow for almost two years and I'm happy it didn't snow at all during November and waited until 1.Dec.--how appropriate! But now I'm pretty much stuck inside all day. Cheers!

I am hollow

It has been quite some time since I last wrote. There's no sense in recapping the past 9 months, but I am disappointed to say that not a whole lot has gotten better in my life, collectively, but I have been on quite the roller coaster. I have had a good number of ups and far too many downs.

Right now I'm sitting in a restaurant called Taverna in Austin. I am exhausted and want to go home but it's the Fourth of July and I want to do something fun. But I feel hollow. Today is also my only day off for the week so I wanted to try and use it to do all the things that I put on the back burner, but honestly all I feel like doing is being with friends. For the first time in awhile, I'm not okay being alone. When I come to Austin by myself, I will bring something to write or read. This time I'm just not in the mood to do anything. Austin is dead today and there won't be any fireworks because they are in a Stage-4 drought. I would go back to San Antonio to be with friends, but I don't want to go back yet. Why do I find it so hard to be motivated when all I want to do is sleep? I wish there was a way of overcoming it, which there probably is but I haven't discovered it yet (I finally gave into caffeine but it doesn't seem to have an effect on me).

I came to Austin slightly broken after yet another ultimatum, but I haven't had the chance to cry everything out, so it all remains bottled up inside. I'm still glad I came up. When I got to the hotel, I saw my friend from Intro to Management who was working that evening. We talked for a very long time and he showed me around the back area of his hotel and gave me a lot of ideas on things I can do differently as a manager. In the middle of our conversation, another manager came over and started talking to us... another person giving me some great feedback. I felt as though I should do an expense report for this trip since it all seemed to be business related! Alas, around 10:00, I finally got back to my room. I called my brother up and talked to him for about 45 minutes, a conversation of which reiterated how undesirable my life is right now. At that point I decided I did not want to spend the entire night in my hotel room, so I ended up hanging out with some kids that I had never met before. They were friends with the second manager that I just met to night, although he did not join us. It was an interesting experience but I'm still glad I went out and did something. I hung out with a very different crown, which was fun because I just got to observe people. A lot of the people we hung around all knew each other from high school, even though a lot of them graduated in 2004. I always find it interesting to see when groups of friends still hang out with each other years and years after high school--they all live in the same area that they grew up in and I wonder what motivates them to stay in one spot. I couldn't wait to leave Utah and the place that I grew up in because I have this desire to explore the world and grow outside of my element, yet so many people seem to fulfill many of the same desires by staying in their same spot. It's just interesting.

I woke up this morning to a phone call. I was confused because I did not order a wake up call, but when I answered, it was Felicia. She called to update me on her life and I was able to update her a little on mine. We're both in the same situation right now and it really sucks. Honestly, there's no good cure for overriding depressive emotions. Something that did boost my day for a short period of time was meeting up with my friend, TJ, for lunch. I haven't seen TJ in just under 4 years. We lived at Raintree together and he was out in San Antonio yesterday and stopped by Austin on his way back to Dallas. Our conversation felt really strange. While it was good conversation, it made me feel lost again. I've been living a different life out in Texas and one which I don't really like because I don't know what I believe or what I want to do. All i know is i want to get out of my current situation but once that happens, I honestly don't know where I will begin. He told me about a friend of his who went in a circle regarding her lifestyle and beliefs. I felt like I ought to relate but I'm not sure I even want to. This is where I just feel hollow again. He quoted Neal A. Maxwell to me a couple times but the one I remember most is something to the effect that in order to know who you are now, you must know your past and know your potential for the future. Another quote I saw on a bumper sticker today was "If you don't change direction, you may end up where you're heading."

I need to wrap up because it's time for me to ride my bike around Austin. This limbo stage that I've been stuck in for the past year has gone on way too long. I've always known what I need to do and I have tried many different approaches to get there, but i seem to still stay stuck. So many people have been saying the phrase "leap of faith" lately as if it's supposed to mean something to me, but it doesn't. I feel lost. I feel incomplete. I feel hollow. Time will keep going on.

a beautiful sunday

today has been a rather good day. actually, it's been a pretty good week. after getting back from utah, i feel like i suddenly had this peace that things were getting better. some of my forementioned desires had disappeared due to the replacement of other amiable desires. i felt as though i had slight more control over my happiness, though i still do not know what i am doing. i am still confused about what i want as far as the future with school and career, but those things that seem to govern my well-being began to be taking a turn; namely that of faith and love.

it's amazing how much those two things can bring us such joy yet so much agony. love is inevitable to bring to pass those reactions, but faith is something that i had never considered until i lost it then began to search for it again. faith really is an assurance that you know that what you are doing is good--when you know who you are and what you believe in. what you truly believe is what you do and what you do is who you are...they go hand in hand. i never doubted that i was a daughter of god. i never doubted that i am smart. i never doubted that i can do whatever i want as long as i persevere. what i did doubt is my desires. it's been a long, hard journey to figure out what i want in life, what things make me solemnly happy. i am no where near to knowing what those are yet, but im on a track that's bringing back positive results and new ideas and therefore i know that what im doing is good--my intentions are correct. i am not cured of heartache, but i a. moving on...embracing the excitement of new adventures but still remaining hesitant and careful. there are many things i want to be and having the idea to be those things is the first step toward accomplishing them.

im speaking very vaguely right now so let me provide some examples. this past friday, i worked a very long shift but i spent my whole day either learning or teaching/training. while i feel like i got nothing done, i feel like i was so accomplished. i felt that within this day, i was learning characteristics that are not only beneficial to my so-called management careers, but also taught me things that will aid me to be a better person in life, especially when it comes to raising a family. some things you really just have to experience and learn for yourself in order to "feel" in, and in consequence, help and relate to others. words out of another's mouth only go so far when they touch the ear, it's on a different level when it touches the heart. it's a sense that no one can deny. people forget what enters only into their mind, but there is no way to forget that which sneaks its way into the heart. .......so much for not being vague.

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I know I haven't blogged in a while. At some point or another, I will do a recap of my Florida trip and the things I discovered there. Since I've been back from Florida, work has been getting better and I've been hanging out with a lot of friends, but there's that one particular aspect that is keeping me from being happy even though I'm doing fun things. I decided today that the only way I will be happy is to be away from San Antonio. Period. That thing is still in San Antonio and as long as I'm here with it, I will continue to be miserable. I've very much considered going to China for this reason, but it's not working out.

Anyway.. I could go into further detail but there are better things to talk about. I am currently in Fort Worth on what you could call a business trip. I'm here for "Intro to Management." I want to write a daily log for this trip so here goes....

I flew in today and had my first delayed flight. Haha... luckily I was in no rush. I'm staying at the Omni Fort Worth Hotel and it really is a beautiful property. When I arrived I had a fun amenity waiting for me:This was nice. I laid out and took a nap at the pool. It was really cloudy and windy so I didn't get much of a tan from it. This evening we had a cocktail reception which was a lot of fun because I got to meet all the other attendees. Basically, each property in the company picks one manager to attend this intro to management. We start classes tomorrow and I'm quite excited.

It's been fun to talk with people from the other properties because I like seeing how they run things or do things. It gives me perspective and ideas. I feel like I'm learning a lot already.

Coming back after the reception, this was my turndown amenity:


Haha... I'm getting spoiled. Not a bad way to start off the week.

Tonight a bunch of us went out on the town and hung out. Again, just a lot of fun. I love being away on business... and I'm learning about what other people do at their properties. Anyway... I start at 7:30 tomorrow morning and I'm planning on working out before then, so I REALLY need to go to bed.

Changes to plans=Plans to change

I feel like the past week and a half has been full of things I want to do or plan to do getting ruined by the stupid curve balls of life. I feel like venting.

Plan: Spend Thursday and Friday (7/29-7/30) nights doing fun stuff with the fun people I want to do them with-my 'already friends' friends.
Destroyed: I had a conversation with one of those friends that ultimately ruined my week and made me reconsider life (this conversation came to a conclusion that I could no longer see this friend--part of my woes from the prior week).

Plan: Go to Corpus instead on my two days off so I can work out my thoughts and frustrations from all the things in my life and ultimately try and "find myself"
Undecisiveness: When making the schedule for work, I really, really wanted to take off Saturday and Sunday in addition to Thursday and Friday so I could take a more distant trip to New Orleans or someplace cool.
Destroyed: I couldn't make the New Orleans thing work that weekend because I didn't have any extra coverage or people to work my shift if I were gone.
Plan: Decided to give myself off Monday and Tuesday and take a short trip to Corpus then and have Thursday and Friday to get stuff done and hang out with people.

Plan: Have my couches delivered to me Tuesday morning before I went to work. Was told they would deliver while I was at work so I had a couple options for people to have access to my house key and let them in when they came.
Worked out for better: My two friends had other obligations and couldn't wait any longer but the delivery guys ended up not bringing my couches until 11:30 at night, after I was home from work.

Plan: Enjoy the rain on Wednesday and get lots of errands done before work.
Destroyed: Hydro-planed into the back of another car as the light turned green-yellow-red.
Luckily: My insurance covered his damage but not mine.

Plans:
Thursday-drive to Austin and make returns to Ikea then come back and play volleyball with friends.
Friday-find people to go to Six Flags with and spend all day there if possible. Also, go to lunch at 1:30 with some friends. (As you will see, plans later changed to picking up my table and wanting to do something really fun at night like salsa dancing or visiting the riverwalk).
Saturday-go to Austin with some friends and make my returns to Ikea. Pick up my table on the way back.
Sunday-Possible had to wait to pick up my table this day. Potentially invite people over for dinner to eat on my new table. If not, then go straight to corpus after work.
Monday-Wednesday morning-spend time in Corpus to make new goals and straighten out my life.

Reality:
Thursday-start to drive to Austin but there's too much traffic. Played volleyball with friends, worked out, and stayed up til 2 am swinging and talking with a friend.
Friday-woke up to a voicemail saying I needed to come into work. I was irate. Everything about work was making me pissed. Found out I was now scheduled to work monday which meant only one day off. So mad. Finally got off work around 4. Ruined my thoughts of playing at six flags. Instead decided to find a friend to pick up my table. We got there and the box for the table was thrashed. Because of the inconvenience, I will get free delivery next week. No more Sunday dinner though. On the way back from my table, there was traffic, making me anxious. Met up with friends later and ate dinner at Thai Corner. Had a good time, but the night ended too soon. 10:30 came around and everyone left their separate ways. I went home depressed and crying on the phone to another friend from Utah because I so badly wanted to still be out doing something fun.
Saturday-Drove up to Austin after work, stopped by Ikea for returns, ate black bean queso at a pub on 6th street by myself while reading a book. Went to the Capitol and sat on the grass and thought about how happy I was at that moment and how great Austin is. Maybe I should live there? I thought as people were playing frisbee behind me. I also sent a long, detailed text to my manager at work telling him I really need Monday off and why I need it. He replied by saying "we'll talk about it tomorrow." I then head to meet my friends when my car gets stuck on a hill and dies, then works again, then won't go past 2000 rpms. Long story short, I leave my car in Austin and my friends drive me back to San Antonio.
Sunday-get picked up for work by the shuttle. Get picked up after work by a friend. another friend had an extra car I could borrow, but it was manual and I can't drive stick. Then I go to my ex-friend's to borrow his car instead. Awkward. Drive his car to Austin so I could move my car out of metered parking. My car worked fine, but I was by myself. Rode my bike around Austin for a bit, then came back to San Antonio.
Monday-was supposed to get off work at 12 but didn't leave until 12:45. Couldn't decide for a very long time whether or not I should still go to Austin or take my friend's car to Corpus. I'd be by myself so I wouldn't have a second driver if my car worked. Decided to be responsible and go to Austin to get my car fixed. When I got there and picked up my car, it worked fine. Engine light was still on, but it was moving regularly. Took it to place one. Their master diagnostic guy was not in. Went to take my car somewhere else and the 'check engine' light was off and everything was great. Now I was stuck in Austin with two working cars and only one driver. Argued with the owner of the borrowed car I was using and couldn't decide if I should stay in Austin or go back to San Antonio. I still needed to get away. Long story short: My car had computer issues and cost me $100 for someone to tell me that it was at least safe (safe as in no further damage would be made) if I drove it back to San Antonio. Decided to stay the night in Austin to spend time with myself. alone. Rode my bike around, watched the bats, wrote, thought, then went to a bar for dessert. There, I met two really cool guys at Parkside on 6th street and had a good time talking and making new friends and discussing this crazy thing called life. Felt confident and good.
Tuesday-spent more time by myself. Rode more of my bike. Got burnt. Checked out UT Austin's business school and felt happy there. Drove back to San Antonio in ex-friend's car, beat traffic, and returned the vehicle. Waited for other friends to pick me up and go back to Austin to get my car. I drove my car back by myself. I left Austin around 9:50. Made it to San Marcos by 10:20 (usually a 20 minute drive but I was only going 70 mph on purpose). From San Marcos to Schertz, it took me an hour and 10 minutes, usually only 20 minutes. During this time, my car kept doing what it did before. I got stuck in New Braunfels for a while. After Schertz, my car was fine for the rest of the way home.

Plan: Wednesday-laser hair removal appointment at 9:45.
Destroyed: Left at 9:30 and my car made it about 1/4 mile before dying. Then reviving. Then dying. Then working until I made it to the south side to have a friend do some more diagnostics. Decided car was unreliable and borrowed ex-friend's car again which was given with resentment.

Plan: Go to New Orleans from the 12th-17th and use PTO. One friend mentioned helping me pay to get out there and we would spend a few days in Florida too.
On the verge of being destroyed: Texted this friend I would visit and he said he'd be working the whole time I'd be visiting. No Florida. I thought I could drive there but that's not going to happen now because of my car's condition. Flight prices went up because I waited too long. Gave myself other options but nothing seems to work out. Money, friends, and resources aren't working out so well. I finally got the time off work but don't want to stay in San Antonio to spend it.

Plan: Get a new table
Destroyed: Thoughts of moving and my financial situation (which has become worse since the work on my car will cost a lot) will cause me to decide that having another monthly payment will not be a good idea right now. No table for a while. No friends over for dinner.

Plan: After Austin I decided that's where I would like to go in a year for graduate school. Stay in San Antonio. Work hard at work. Create a schedule and learn how to be alone again.
Confused: Woke up this morning frustrated. Realize how hard it is to detach myself from friend. Wish I could be far away from here (my situation, not necessarily the place). Dreaded going to work. Morning schedule did not work due to car issues. Stressed about money. Realize that life really sucks right now.

I know I sound extremely antagonistic, but it's reality. I know what's going on in my life isn't the absolute worst that could happen. I just feel like one thing keeps happening right after another. I get excited about something only to have it blow up in my face. I try and adjust, but it happens again. Some days I feel fine, or at least content. Others I'm ultimately depressed. These two conditions can change hourly too.

Everything I just mentioned are the things that have happened to me. On top of that, I have my emotional ruckus which I've touched on a little bit. It's hard to focus on telling yourself that happiness is an attitude when all the things around you are making you sad. I plan on making changes, but it seems every time I do, it gets ruined, or something new happens that I have to settle for what I don't want or can't have. Maybe I'm just not making the right changes. Maybe I'm not making extreme enough changes. I'm scared of getting myself into a hole (especially financially) so I remain being unhappy because it's stable, even though I'm not.

I don't think I'm making my point very clear tonight. But I need to go to bed now. A domani. Peut-etre.