FiNaLLY!--The Start of a New Life

Alright, so my blog was never meant to keep an accurate journal of my life; I only tend to write when I think about my blog, which was today!

A little while ago I made the decision to move to Denver. After much reflection and consideration, Denver made much more sense than the other places I had been considering moving to. But, I didn't realize how great of a decision it was until this past Monday night when I recognized that Denver was 100% a new journey and San Antonio was 100% in my past.

After deciding to move to Denver, I quit my job and worked a lot! On my last day at work, I flew out to Denver to scope out jobs and housing, etc. Well, I wasn't nearly as productive as I had hoped because I spent so much time catching up on sleep, in which I had apparently, previously been deprived. I finished out my time in Denver and flew out to Utah for Kenya's wedding, then flew back to San Antonio for being gone for about 12 days. I returned on 14.Nov and worked on packing up my apartment. By Thursday, I had my Rental Truck and Movers all ready to go (by the way, I don't think I'll ever move without movers again! it was an excellent luxury). They hauled everything into the moving truck and I was gone by early Friday morning. I stayed in Denver until the day after Thanksgiving. This trip went pretty well but I was I didn't have a vehicle so I didn't feel as productive. I did have all my things that I put into storage, so that was nice. I also experienced some really nice-weather days and rode my bike around. Because I wasn't quite official, I still felt weird about being in Denver, but I dreaded going back to San Antonio. I left my car out in San Antonio and had a few things to finalize, which is the reason why I went back at all. My mom had been talking about coming out during this period with me so I could show her around San Antonio. She talked about it a lot but she usually doesn't follow through, and she didn't. So I got in to San Antonio this last Friday and didn't have much to do until Monday. Up until this point, I kept questioning whether or not going to Denver would really be what I wanted. I absolutely knew I didn't want to be in San Antonio, and this was reassured during my time there when I would drive around the city and become nostalgic and cry. At the same time, I couldn't necessarily fathom happiness in Denver, and this depressed me. On Sunday I did nothing but cry and write in my journal. I reflected on all my experiences in San Antonio, which included the good and bad. I hadn't cried that much in a day in a long time and it was something I really needed to do. On Monday I had  a lot of things to do, so I stayed busy, but there was something nagging at me all day. There was one person that I wanted to see before I left but I didn't know if it would be possible because it had been awhile since the last time I saw them. The night started rolling in and I knew that I would absolutely regret not attempting to see aforementioned friend, so I initiated its happening. I met up with friend and it was wonderful. I felt so happy and as I told friend about my move and my reasons for moving, it made me feel so much better about my decision. When I went home that night, I bawled like a baby, but not because I was sad, but because I felt so good. It was like when you watch a movie that has a really touching ending and you start crying. I don't even know how to describe the feelings I felt because I wasn't happy per se, but I just felt content and good and like I was finally ready to move on, as if I had tied up all the loose ends that had been dragging me down for so long. I have a new hope that I didn't know existed before and I feel like I no longer have baggage. I feel free! That night I felt like I just read the end of a really good, but intense, book and I am ready to start reading another.

Tuesday I spent 14 long hours driving from San Antonio to Denver. While I was driving, it occurred to me that possibly the best thing about moving to Denver is the fact that I have no former memories here that I've spent with anyone else. One of the things that made living in San Antonio so hard after Daniel and I broke up, was the fact that all of my first memories of the place were made with him. Some of his friends became my friends and I could never escape the fact that I was too close to the problem. Even the last few days I spent in San Antonio were difficult in trying to suppress those memories. There were so many familiar places that directed me right back to a point in time in the past. Even driving on I-10 on  my way out of San Antonio reminded me of driving back to Utah with Daniel for Christmas 2009 when I slept in the passenger's seat while D drove and watched movies. I don't have to worry about this in Denver. There's no nostalgia here, just a new memory to make every day. And Day 1 was definitely a good one:


Yesterday I slept in and felt really good when I woke up. I had a lot of energy and a lot of things to do! It was absolutely gorgeous weather. I went downtown for an interview with a hiring company. Their office was located in the Chase Building and as I walked to it, I felt completely in place. People were outside eating lunch, taking smoke breaks, or just chatting with friends. Most of them were in business suits and so was I. The interview went really well and now is just a matter of waiting for positions to open up. As I was driving around downtown, I suddenly really loved it. It's almost as if my previous weeks in Denver were not real and I was merely a tourist seeing nothing impressive with Colorado, but yesterday completely changed my perspective. As I was driving back home, I looked out from the freeway and spotted the beauty that I had previously thought was ugly. This is my home now and I'm prepared to enjoy it to its fullest! I'm so excited for the things I can do now that I'm not bogged down by a miserable job. I have a lot of goals and so many things to learn about the world; I'm ready to get moving again!


All my clocks are officially changed to the new time zone! I best be getting on with my day. It snowed today--I have been able to avoid the snow for almost two years and I'm happy it didn't snow at all during November and waited until 1.Dec.--how appropriate! But now I'm pretty much stuck inside all day. Cheers!

I am hollow

It has been quite some time since I last wrote. There's no sense in recapping the past 9 months, but I am disappointed to say that not a whole lot has gotten better in my life, collectively, but I have been on quite the roller coaster. I have had a good number of ups and far too many downs.

Right now I'm sitting in a restaurant called Taverna in Austin. I am exhausted and want to go home but it's the Fourth of July and I want to do something fun. But I feel hollow. Today is also my only day off for the week so I wanted to try and use it to do all the things that I put on the back burner, but honestly all I feel like doing is being with friends. For the first time in awhile, I'm not okay being alone. When I come to Austin by myself, I will bring something to write or read. This time I'm just not in the mood to do anything. Austin is dead today and there won't be any fireworks because they are in a Stage-4 drought. I would go back to San Antonio to be with friends, but I don't want to go back yet. Why do I find it so hard to be motivated when all I want to do is sleep? I wish there was a way of overcoming it, which there probably is but I haven't discovered it yet (I finally gave into caffeine but it doesn't seem to have an effect on me).

I came to Austin slightly broken after yet another ultimatum, but I haven't had the chance to cry everything out, so it all remains bottled up inside. I'm still glad I came up. When I got to the hotel, I saw my friend from Intro to Management who was working that evening. We talked for a very long time and he showed me around the back area of his hotel and gave me a lot of ideas on things I can do differently as a manager. In the middle of our conversation, another manager came over and started talking to us... another person giving me some great feedback. I felt as though I should do an expense report for this trip since it all seemed to be business related! Alas, around 10:00, I finally got back to my room. I called my brother up and talked to him for about 45 minutes, a conversation of which reiterated how undesirable my life is right now. At that point I decided I did not want to spend the entire night in my hotel room, so I ended up hanging out with some kids that I had never met before. They were friends with the second manager that I just met to night, although he did not join us. It was an interesting experience but I'm still glad I went out and did something. I hung out with a very different crown, which was fun because I just got to observe people. A lot of the people we hung around all knew each other from high school, even though a lot of them graduated in 2004. I always find it interesting to see when groups of friends still hang out with each other years and years after high school--they all live in the same area that they grew up in and I wonder what motivates them to stay in one spot. I couldn't wait to leave Utah and the place that I grew up in because I have this desire to explore the world and grow outside of my element, yet so many people seem to fulfill many of the same desires by staying in their same spot. It's just interesting.

I woke up this morning to a phone call. I was confused because I did not order a wake up call, but when I answered, it was Felicia. She called to update me on her life and I was able to update her a little on mine. We're both in the same situation right now and it really sucks. Honestly, there's no good cure for overriding depressive emotions. Something that did boost my day for a short period of time was meeting up with my friend, TJ, for lunch. I haven't seen TJ in just under 4 years. We lived at Raintree together and he was out in San Antonio yesterday and stopped by Austin on his way back to Dallas. Our conversation felt really strange. While it was good conversation, it made me feel lost again. I've been living a different life out in Texas and one which I don't really like because I don't know what I believe or what I want to do. All i know is i want to get out of my current situation but once that happens, I honestly don't know where I will begin. He told me about a friend of his who went in a circle regarding her lifestyle and beliefs. I felt like I ought to relate but I'm not sure I even want to. This is where I just feel hollow again. He quoted Neal A. Maxwell to me a couple times but the one I remember most is something to the effect that in order to know who you are now, you must know your past and know your potential for the future. Another quote I saw on a bumper sticker today was "If you don't change direction, you may end up where you're heading."

I need to wrap up because it's time for me to ride my bike around Austin. This limbo stage that I've been stuck in for the past year has gone on way too long. I've always known what I need to do and I have tried many different approaches to get there, but i seem to still stay stuck. So many people have been saying the phrase "leap of faith" lately as if it's supposed to mean something to me, but it doesn't. I feel lost. I feel incomplete. I feel hollow. Time will keep going on.