It's amazing how when you grow older, you begin to understand so much more about yourself. Over the past month or so, I've been able to identify why I do things and I analyze my feelings that their origin. Unfortunately, I still have a long way to go in order to understand what I believe in and why.
One thing I have always believed in is that happiness is made up of two parts: Circumstance and Attitude. When things aren't going the way I want them to, I find myself being completely engulfed in the unhappiness and I can't find relief until my circumstance changes. I finally got a job out here in Colorado but now I'm having struggles finding a place to live. Denver is significantly more expensive than San Antonio, so I can no longer afford living in a one-bedroom apartment on my own. I need a roommate. I had a couple options for roommates but they have both fallen through. I am stressed and not happy with my current situation. I find myself being anxious, jealous, annoyed, angry, and depressed. I know what I want but I can't find a way to get there (story of my life). Ideally, I ought to relax and enjoy what I do have going on. But, I. Don't. Wan't. To! Why? I think I like being sad. My favorite music is the kind that would make me cry if I were in the right mood. I like to cry when I'm sad and it's relieving to do so.
Oddly enough, I tend to do the things I'm most passionate about when I'm sad. I write music when I'm sad. I play piano and sing out loud when I'm sad. I drive when I'm sad. I lose weight when I'm sad. I want to be with the people I most care about when I'm sad. I also spend a lot of time alone when I'm sad. I think when I'm sad. I write my feelings when I'm sad. I reconnect with old friends when I'm sad. I travel when I'm sad. I desire to take more risks and be spontaneous when I'm sad. It seems that there's some positive feedback going on--I'm passionate when I'm sad, so I end up keeping myself sad. Instead of making myself happy in the moment, I rely on that change that needs to happen in order to make myself happy. Ultimately, I want to be happy. But I'm happiest when I know what I want and I'm able to get what I want. Until I reach that, I take advantage of sadness(Tchaikovsky actually wrote his best music while he was depressed).
