I feel like the past week and a half has been full of things I want to do or plan to do getting ruined by the stupid curve balls of life. I feel like venting.
Plan: Spend Thursday and Friday (7/29-7/30) nights doing fun stuff with the fun people I want to do them with-my 'already friends' friends.
Destroyed: I had a conversation with one of those friends that ultimately ruined my week and made me reconsider life (this conversation came to a conclusion that I could no longer see this friend--part of my woes from the prior week).
Plan: Go to Corpus instead on my two days off so I can work out my thoughts and frustrations from all the things in my life and ultimately try and "find myself"
Undecisiveness: When making the schedule for work, I really, really wanted to take off Saturday and Sunday in addition to Thursday and Friday so I could take a more distant trip to New Orleans or someplace cool.
Destroyed: I couldn't make the New Orleans thing work that weekend because I didn't have any extra coverage or people to work my shift if I were gone.
Plan: Decided to give myself off Monday and Tuesday and take a short trip to Corpus
then and have Thursday and Friday to get stuff done and hang out with people.
Plan: Have my couches delivered to me Tuesday morning before I went to work. Was told they would deliver while I was at work so I had a couple options for people to have access to my house key and let them in when they came.
Worked out for better: My two friends had other obligations and couldn't wait any longer but the delivery guys ended up not bringing my couches until 11:30 at night, after I was home from work.
Plan: Enjoy the rain on Wednesday and get lots of errands done before work.
Destroyed: Hydro-planed into the back of another car as the light turned green-yellow-red.
Luckily: My insurance covered his damage but not mine.
Plans:
Thursday-drive to Austin and make returns to Ikea then come back and play volleyball with friends.
Friday-find people to go to Six Flags with and spend all day there if possible. Also, go to lunch at 1:30 with some friends. (As you will see, plans later changed to picking up my table and wanting to do something really fun at night like salsa dancing or visiting the riverwalk).
Saturday-go to Austin with some friends and make my returns to Ikea. Pick up my table on the way back.
Sunday-Possible had to wait to pick up my table this day. Potentially invite people over for dinner to eat on my new table. If not, then go straight to corpus after work.
Monday-Wednesday morning-spend time in Corpus to make new goals and straighten out my life.
Reality:
Thursday-start to drive to Austin but there's too much traffic. Played volleyball with friends, worked out, and stayed up til 2 am swinging and talking with a friend.
Friday-woke up to a voicemail saying I needed to come into work. I was irate. Everything about work was making me pissed. Found out I was now scheduled to work monday which meant only one day off. So mad. Finally got off work around 4. Ruined my thoughts of playing at six flags. Instead decided to find a friend to pick up my table. We got there and the box for the table was thrashed. Because of the inconvenience, I will get free delivery next week. No more Sunday dinner though. On the way back from my table, there was traffic, making me anxious. Met up with friends later and ate dinner at Thai Corner. Had a good time, but the night ended too soon. 10:30 came around and everyone left their separate ways. I went home depressed and crying on the phone to another friend from Utah because I so badly wanted to still be out doing something fun.
Saturday-Drove up to Austin after work, stopped by Ikea for returns, ate black bean queso at a pub on 6th street by myself while reading a book. Went to the Capitol and sat on the grass and thought about how happy I was at that moment and how great Austin is. Maybe I should live there? I thought as people were playing frisbee behind me. I also sent a long, detailed text to my manager at work telling him I really need Monday off and why I need it. He replied by saying "we'll talk about it tomorrow." I then head to meet my friends when my car gets stuck on a hill and dies, then works again, then won't go past 2000 rpms. Long story short, I leave my car in Austin and my friends drive me back to San Antonio.
Sunday-get picked up for work by the shuttle. Get picked up after work by a friend. another friend had an extra car I could borrow, but it was manual and I can't drive stick. Then I go to my ex-friend's to borrow his car instead. Awkward. Drive his car to Austin so I could move my car out of metered parking. My car worked fine, but I was by myself. Rode my bike around Austin for a bit, then came back to San Antonio.
Monday-was supposed to get off work at 12 but didn't leave until 12:45. Couldn't decide for a very long time whether or not I should still go to Austin or take my friend's car to Corpus. I'd be by myself so I wouldn't have a second driver if my car worked. Decided to be responsible and go to Austin to get my car fixed. When I got there and picked up my car, it worked fine. Engine light was still on, but it was moving regularly. Took it to place one. Their master diagnostic guy was not in. Went to take my car somewhere else and the 'check engine' light was off and everything was great. Now I was stuck in Austin with two working cars and only one driver. Argued with the owner of the borrowed car I was using and couldn't decide if I should stay in Austin or go back to San Antonio. I still needed to get away. Long story short: My car had computer issues and cost me $100 for someone to tell me that it was at least safe (safe as in no further damage would be made) if I drove it back to San Antonio. Decided to stay the night in Austin to spend time with myself. alone. Rode my bike around, watched the bats, wrote, thought, then went to a bar for dessert. There, I met two really cool guys at Parkside on 6th street and had a good time talking and making new friends and discussing this crazy thing called life. Felt confident and good.
Tuesday-spent more time by myself. Rode more of my bike. Got burnt. Checked out UT Austin's business school and felt happy there. Drove back to San Antonio in ex-friend's car, beat traffic, and returned the vehicle. Waited for other friends to pick me up and go back to Austin to get my car. I drove my car back by myself. I left Austin around 9:50. Made it to San Marcos by 10:20 (usually a 20 minute drive but I was only going 70 mph on purpose). From San Marcos to Schertz, it took me an hour and 10 minutes, usually only 20 minutes. During this time, my car kept doing what it did before. I got stuck in New Braunfels for a while. After Schertz, my car was fine for the rest of the way home.
Plan: Wednesday-laser hair removal appointment at 9:45.
Destroyed: Left at 9:30 and my car made it about 1/4 mile before dying. Then reviving. Then dying. Then working until I made it to the south side to have a friend do some more diagnostics. Decided car was unreliable and borrowed ex-friend's car again which was given with resentment.
Plan: Go to New Orleans from the 12th-17th and use PTO. One friend mentioned helping me pay to get out there and we would spend a few days in Florida too.
On the verge of being destroyed: Texted this friend I would visit and he said he'd be working the whole time I'd be visiting. No Florida. I thought I could drive there but that's not going to happen now because of my car's condition. Flight prices went up because I waited too long. Gave myself other options but nothing seems to work out. Money, friends, and resources aren't working out so well. I finally got the time off work but don't want to stay in San Antonio to spend it.
Plan: Get a new table
Destroyed: Thoughts of moving and my financial situation (which has become worse since the work on my car will cost a lot) will cause me to decide that having another monthly payment will not be a good idea right now. No table for a while. No friends over for dinner.
Plan: After Austin I decided that's where I would like to go in a year for graduate school. Stay in San Antonio. Work hard at work. Create a schedule and learn how to be alone again.
Confused: Woke up this morning frustrated. Realize how hard it is to detach myself from friend. Wish I could be far away from here (my situation, not necessarily the place). Dreaded going to work. Morning schedule did not work due to car issues. Stressed about money. Realize that life really sucks right now.
I know I sound extremely antagonistic, but it's reality. I know what's going on in my life isn't the absolute worst that could happen. I just feel like one thing keeps happening right after another. I get excited about something only to have it blow up in my face. I try and adjust, but it happens again. Some days I feel fine, or at least content. Others I'm ultimately depressed. These two conditions can change hourly too.
Everything I just mentioned are the things that have
happened to me. On top of that, I have my emotional ruckus which I've touched on a little bit. It's hard to focus on telling yourself that happiness is an
attitude when all the things around you are
making you sad. I plan on making changes, but it seems every time I do, it gets ruined, or something new happens that I have to settle for what I don't want or can't have. Maybe I'm just not making the right changes. Maybe I'm not making extreme enough changes. I'm scared of getting myself into a hole (especially financially) so I remain being unhappy because it's stable, even though I'm not.
I don't think I'm making my point very clear tonight. But I need to go to bed now. A domani. Peut-etre.
This was nice. I laid out and took a nap at the pool. It was really cloudy and windy so I didn't get much of a tan from it. This evening we had a cocktail reception which was a lot of fun because I got to meet all the other attendees. Basically, each property in the company picks one manager to attend this intro to management. We start classes tomorrow and I'm quite excited.
Haha... I'm getting spoiled. Not a bad way to start off the week.